part of it is my fault…

well, it’s official folks.  part of it is my fault.  remember those posts where i talked about “where are all the men?” well, i think i am part of the problem.  when i got back from colorado, somebody said to me, “well, it sounds like you were different in colorado.”  i didn’t quite see what he was talking about….yet.  then, i got this email from a friend…

Read your blog and saw what you were up to – love it!  Actually, I had been thinking about you the past week and a thought came to mind…take it for what you may. I was just thinking… you are a total romantic. I was thinking about the way you truly celebrate and embrace marriage and love and all that goes with it. Even the dress you chose for the wedding had a romantic feel to it – the fabric, the cut… I don’t think being a romantic is something you would necessarily deny. I just felt like it’s a side of you that needs to be let out more – seen by others and allowed by you to be expressed. So, when I read your blog entry I thought – there it is! That romantic side of her – the one that loves all that goes on between a guy and a girl and the feeling that goes with just letting yourself be that romantic girl.

what occurred to me as i read that, and that about what that man had told me, i couldn’t help but think, “i have built up a lot of walls to protect my heart from being hurt.”

i think that is what it is.  there are probably men around me.  but, i haven’t let them get close enough to see the joy and romance that dances inside me.  and, you know why????

because i don’t want them to reject me.

i don’t want to fee like i’m not pretty enough.  or funny enough.  or skinny enough.  or that i talk too much.  or that my laugh is a little annoying.  i don’t want to meet a man and have him reject me.  i live life as ME.  so, if they reject me, they are really rejecting me..not some facade i put out there.  so, i can’t blame it on, “well, they don’t really know me.”  so, without really being honest with myself about it, i have been putting up walls to protect myself, because i didn’t want to have to deal with the pain when it comes. and, it will.  not every man is going to like me.  or find me attractive.  that should be okay.  but, somehow, in my heart, it hasn’t been.  and, i NEED to let go of that.

now, i will also say that it’s a fine line.  i have been single for a while, and that means i have to do a lot of stuff by myself.  so, i have gotten used to taking care of a house and my life alone.  and, that is a great thing.  but, it also sometimes makes it harder to allow somebody else to be in the midst of that with me.  on the other hand, the love in the community that God has placed around me is DAUNTING.  they encourage, love, give and serve.  there is my next post.  it will be on community…

so, i guess what i am saying through all of this is that i want to be strong and single.  but, i also want to be open and available.  i don’t want to wall my heart away from men because i am afraid of being rejected.  i will be careful about who i let near it.  but, i don’t want to become distant and shut down.  that’s not me.  and, i am not going to allow FEAR to control my heart.  God is in control of my heart.

will i get hurt? yep.

will i get rejected? yep.

will i make mistakes? yep.

and, i am going to do it with all the romance, joy, adventure and courage that i can muster. i’ll keep you updated on how it goes….like you were worried i wouldn’t… 😉

2 Responses to “part of it is my fault…”
  1. Emily says:

    You are so beautiful, inside and out. I know there is an amazing guy out there for you, B.

  2. Kristen says:

    you ARE the ultimate romantic! Funny that you think that does not portray on dates…but I have not been a third wheel on any of your dates…so I can’t comment on that! Love you sister. In that town of yours…one day someone is going to write a love song about a gal like you 🙂

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